Never anthropomorphize a toilet.

"Jim Spanfeller" (awesomeaustinv) 04/18/2020 at 20:31 • Filed to: hot steaming take

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Look, I get it. Anthropomorphizing inanimate objects is fun. It’s natural. Many things when anthropomorphized become more fun. Heck, I anthropomorphize stuff all the time!

But the one thing you should never anthropomorphize under any circumstances is a toilet. “But awesomeaustinv, toilets are perfectly set up for anthropomorphizing. Th ey’ve already got big, cartoonish mouths,” you say. Well, think of it this way: When you give an inanimate object human-like thoughts and feelings, then it will either enjoy its job or hate it. And in the case of the toilet, either direction is very bad.

If it doesn’t like its job, then who’s going to want to use that toilet? It’s just plain depressing! No self- respecting person wants to take a dump in the mouth of a toilet that hates lit erally putting up with your crap! Then the toilet would feel pointless because nobody’s using it, and I can’t really think of a good way to make a depressed toilet feel better.

And if it does like its job, then tha t’s just frickin’ messed up, dude! If I plop down on the porcelain throne and it starts going “Oh yeah, that’s the stuff! Oh YEAH! GIMME MORE MORE MORE ! OOOOOHHHH YE AAAAA HHH ! WOOOOOOO!!! ”, then you better believe I’m getting the frick outa there! I don’t want freaking perv toilets creeping me out while I’m trying to do my business! Especially if it’s one of those fancy toilets that washes your nethers. No way I’m letting a sentient toilet do that.

That’s why all toilets must be cold (okay, maybe not cold) , heartless, soulless, emotionless machines, completely and utterly devoid of personality. If you want to make it an artsy toilet or whatever, then fine, but not an anthropomorphic  toilet.

Never an anthropomorphic toilet...

Nibby > Jim Spanfeller 04/18/2020 at 20:42

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last year at 4th of july, found my cousin’s 5 year old daughter’s poop emoji plushie... left it like so in the bathroom

used a brown marker on the toilet paper

a few minutes later my sister goes in there and *screams* then howls in laughter

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > Jim Spanfeller 04/18/2020 at 20:42

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I get the eerie feeling it is too late for both of us now. First you go and name my car Geoff and now you go and ruin my porcelain throne! How dare you!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Highlander-Datsuns are Forever > Jim Spanfeller 04/18/2020 at 20:45

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Technically this is a shit post.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > Jim Spanfeller 04/18/2020 at 21:08

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I, too, set extra TP a top the reservoir. Why is this not a universal thing? Why to people prefer to hide something related to pooping when pooping is the entire point of the bathroom to begin with?

The Snowman > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 04/18/2020 at 21:29

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I was a tank stacker until we got a bathroom where the undersink storage was easily reached from a shittin position.

Nom De Plume > Jim Spanfeller 04/18/2020 at 21:31

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DipodomysDeserti > Jim Spanfeller 04/18/2020 at 22:12

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Jim Spanfeller > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 04/19/2020 at 00:01

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If you’re gonna anthropomorphize your porcelain throne, then you gotta assert your dominance over it! Taking a dump smack dab in the middle of its mouth will do the trick. Pretty sure I watched a National Geographic special about it...

Btw, how is Geoff? Is he covered in plant sperm again?

Jim Spanfeller > Highlander-Datsuns are Forever 04/19/2020 at 00:05

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That is correct.

Jim Spanfeller > Nom De Plume 04/19/2020 at 00:06

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Pretty much, yeah.

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > Jim Spanfeller 04/19/2020 at 00:23

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Geoff, errrrrr , the Cruze. AAAAAARGH LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!

My ‘12 Chevrolet Sedan (ha take that!) got an interior detail a few days ago, but then I had to go and open the door and it’s dusty in there again. No amount of pressure washing can wash this dirt off the rocker though since it reappears every morning from the dew

And those cables that usually lie under weathertechs are for the custom lighting I’ve never mentioned.

Is Phoebe getting lonely in the shop all by herself?

Jim Spanfeller > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 04/19/2020 at 00:29

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Too bad about Geoff’s apparent unavoidable attractiveness to pollen... On the bright side, plants and bees must find him extremely sexy.

As for Phoebe, there is now hope! It looks like I may be able to transfer her to a different shop where I can continue to put her back together. Fingers crossed...

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > Jim Spanfeller 04/19/2020 at 00:32

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Now you keep your Phoebe away from my Goeff , errr CRUZE DARN IT! I have enough trouble as it is with those strumpet bees and their pollen (best Shakespeare word).

But that is good news for sure. I hope it happens soon so she can be back on the road again in no time.